I wasn’t abused, molested or treated inappropriately in anyway as a child, despite growing up Catholic-hey-o!) In fact, I was quite inexperienced, over-protected and intimidated by my teenage peers who did engage in any kind of sexual activity. But my whole life, I was afflicted with a deep burning desire for any kind of visceral excitement. It was possibly my lack of sexual experience that made me fear sex and crave it at the same time. Even though I spent my college years and beyond, dating casually and fooling around after long nights at bars, I never found that girl power type of excitement embodied by my 90s sex/rock and roll idols like Erotica-era Madonna, Tori Amos or the pierced tattooed version of Janet Jackson. When a harmless blonde pretty boy, barely my height and weight, popped into my life at a Hollywood bar one night and told me about a sex party he attended at the home of a USC grad student (yes, USC and UCLA have underground student swinger clubs, and I thought I got laid a lot at my progressive liberal arts college) I thought, sex with multiple partners at the same time? That’s for me. It seemed so familiarly bacchanal, like in a former life I was a Grecian actress who drank heavily, feasted on raw meat and fucked on a daily basis. After lots of trial and error, meeting happily and unhappily married couples in trendy Hollywood bars, attending secret parties password parties in the hills, fighting with my play partner about how I fucked more men than he fucked women, breaking up with him and navigating the swinger world solo and leaving the swinger word for a relationship, these are the gems of single swinger girl wisdom that I have come away with.
- A single girl who swings is a unicorn. That is because they barely exist and anyone who meets one wants to grab on to her pretty horn and fuck it.
- You never want to be the hottest person at the swinger party. In regular life, it feels good to walk into a bar and be the hottest bitch there, getting all the attention and free drinks. But this isn’t regular life. You want to be hot, it’s true, but also be surrounded by the hotter and hottest. That way you feel extra turned on for having received an invitation to the super hot fuck party. And trust me Unicorns, if you get the invitation, you are hot enough for these guy and gal models/porn stars/beautiful freaks of nature. They’ll find your crooked nose hopelessly adorable.
- Use condoms. These perfectly sexy, smart, accomplished lawyers/doctors/businesspeople/producers/award winning screenwriters get around, girl!
- If it’s a pool party, strip right away and jump in. Just get it over with. If everyone isn’t already naked in the pool, you will inspire the stragglers to do so. If it’s not a pool party keep your clothes on til play time. The solo girl running around cooch in the air is a little too excited, a little too high and sadly, it’s a trashy behavior.
- Pair up with a male escort from time to time, especially if you are going to a new party. Sure it’s great to flit from bedroom to bedroom, not having to worry about a date, but sometimes you want a date when you don’t know what kind of situation that you are walking, stark naked, into. It’s nice to have an advocate to intimidate the other horndogs.
- That said, these single men in the swinger scene are messed up. They are damaged, there I said it. Not that this is a bad thing. Unicorns just take note, it’s ok to go on a few dates with them, take them along to a stranger’s party for protection but don’t expect a real friendship. These men have intimacy issues, no standards, drug problems, sex addiction and STI’s which makes them more comfortable fucking who they believe are ‘sluts’ instead of regular non-swinger girls. Play, but don’t get too close and leave when you start to feel their weirdness settling over you.
- On the flip side, there is the single man who is blown away about what a un-skanky down-to-earth Unicorn you are. Now he wants a relationship and you don’t, cause dude, you have a framed rhyming poem about how to not dribble pee on your toilet seat next to a crucifix hanging in your bathroom. I just wanted a hot one nighter, not a boyfriend who writes pee poems. Don’t let his condescending text message abuot how you will never find love by being so picky get to you.
- Have fun. Have all the fucking fun you can. Take a long time dressing up sexy, putting on lots of dramatic eye make up, playing truth or dare and strip poker. Accept that invitation to the Standard Downtown or the Chateau Marmot (the 2 best hotels in LA for debauchery).
- Stop for a while. Gain some perspective. Dry out. Get back in touch with your vanilla friends. Give you pussy a rest. Go on a date with a normal dude. See how he recacts to your stories. If this is absolute torture go back to swinging ASAP. That is where you will find the man/woman/men/woman/life partners of your dreams.